BMW Seven And A Half

The new BMW 7-series came into being only to prove ultimately, that the previous one was beautiful.

The proof is executed perfectly, thus raises no doubts. Trying to sell this proof may be another thing.

It's not only Chris Bangle, the Bayerische Chief Designer has proven that something uglier than E65 Seven can be made easily (it does not mean that the E65 is ugly at all!); accidentally, he showed the weaknesses of the way he choose. Now, it's more clear than ever, that BMW cannot build an Audi.
By saying „Audi”, I mean calm, reliable car with no kitsch and no originality at all. It's big and quite fat – but it's the good student's fatness. The one, who doesn't spend all his money on drinking and does not leave the physical education lessons – so that he can gain some healthy weight. Health, that's a good word. Audi is a german form of physical and mental health. It's none of BMW's racing small penis's complex nor Mercedes's uberwagen small penis's complex. Audi are not hysterically fast and provocative, as well as they repudiate any links to Benz' „in-your-face” factor. It's very good and clients from all over the world appreciate that. But only when Audi is doing this. When BMW tries such a figure, it remains of things, that drunk people do to prove that they're completely sober. Imagine this – a BMW car, shaking, trying to say: „I'm a completely normal, west european car, good for commuting, for CEOs and aging managers; I even have cruise control”.

It sounds completely wrong. It's gemutlichkeit gone wrong. And it's a lie.

All the well-designed BMW can only say is „get off my lane, you family doctor-driven, boring A8!”, eventually „get off my lane, you rectum surgeon-driven lame S-Class!”. Some of them may know the phrase „who is this young idiot who bought me? More fuel, more money!”, too. That's all. Period.
And now, we have the biggest, most prestigeous that is built to be lame and boring. It's a situation we never had before. What does this big, chromed grill is supposed to mean? That it's reliable? It's good for bearded people who like brown colour – and they will never buy a BMW.
Or will they? OK, there's some point in stealing someone's market. When BMW is making a big, cocky car it may happen that some of previously MB owners will change they minds in favor of Munich rather than Stuttgart. The story continues, when they will make completely bland car – this time, the Audi owners will be attracted. It sounds nice, but is not nice at all. With all that market wars, where will the proper BMW buyers end up? With bland Audis, vain Mercs, and the third, the most sport manufacturer loosing its genre and copying them all?
OK, maybe it's another Bangle's work of genius. It was the same story with the first of his 7 Series; everyone hated it when it came, and nearly everyone bought it. It overtook MB on US market. A month ago, they did it again. We have a new biggest BMW, and noone likes it really. It's not so audish like Audi nor it's benzisch like Benz. Bangle got us: he proved, that there is definitely no point in trying to make something you're not best at. He made a shocker with his first Seven. Now, the Seven shocks again – because it's completely unscandalous, and that's not what this car should be. Are we joked, or misled only? As the history of Bangle's designs shows, time and sales will show.